i need to sleep. i would so love to get away from this world for just a moment. no, im greedy. not a moment.. maybe longer.. but im never satisfied. everytime i try to enjoy myself.. i cannot be myself. all the what ifs start flying in uncontrollably. i want to avoid hurt. and to avoid it means to avoid people. that means to avoid myself, as well. what am i talking about.

everytime i think about the fun times i enjoyed.. i want it to happen again. but somehow the same feeling never comes back anymore. maybe because in the cause of it, things change, circumstances change, fate changes and people change. sometimes just reminscing would just be beautiful. the good ole times.. they never seem to be able to become a reality again.

God made all things beautiful. they were meant to be. in this society where everything is just freaky, scary and uncertain.. how much can one be assured of? everything. in Jesus. but sometimes i just can't help being helpless, lost and lonely. today was the first practice i missed. maybe it's a good thing.. maybe it's not. i miss the sense of satisfaction from all the effort put in.. i miss enjoying every note and harmony. dream on. someone hit me back to reality...